


Your Soul Will Be Okay

by feverpitchfiasco



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bar, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 10:58:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2848457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feverpitchfiasco/pseuds/feverpitchfiasco
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bones has had enough of watching Jim shower his attentions and affections on everyone but him.</p><p>Vaguely a songfic. I was listening to a lot of Adam Lambert, and <i>If I Had You</i> just kept me really inspired. Sooo. =)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Soul Will Be Okay

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas, [jimkirkley!](http://jimkirkley.tumblr.com) I got you in the 2014 USS McKirk Fan Coalition Secret Santa! Enjoy! =)

Leonard watched from the doorway as Jim leaned in close to the bathroom mirror. Unlaced boots flopped open at his ankles, painted on jeans, and a beat up leather jacket over a white t-shirt. All topped by perfectly tousled hair. Jim was every creature’s walking wet dream, and he knew it.

“I still say you should come out with us, Bones. It’ll be fun. It’s karaoke night and fuck you can sing. We can do a duet! Rock some Bon Jovi or something.” With one fluid swipe of the pencil, Jim added some kohl around his eyes, using the pad of his finger to give it an artistic smudge. Leonard clenched his jaw as Jim turned to flash a grin at him. 

“No thanks, kid. Bars and clubs aren’t my scene anymore. I should get an early night anyway. Traded shifts at the clinic, so I work in the morning now.” He gestured to his PADD as Jim rolled his eyes. 

“You always work early and sleep is for the weak. C’mon, don’t be a stick in the mud. Don’t you wanna be seen with this hot ass?” With another grin and a cocky flick of eyebrows, Jim swept his hands up and down his chest. He laughed when Leonard rolled his eyes and turned away.

“No. Now get out of here before I kick you out.” Leonard shooed him off with a wave of his hand and settled onto his bed.

“Suit yourself!” Jim singsonged as the door swished closed behind him.

\---

An hour of tossing and turning later, Leonard’s comm trilled at him. Jim’s entirely too amused face flashed on the screen. The result of him stealing the comm one day and personalizing everyone’s tones and pictures. He answered the call with a growl. “Please tell me you’re not in jail already.” 

A breathy laugh huffed into his ear. “Nooo. I’m not in jail, Bonesy. But I am having a great time! You should come ooooout. Our group is only missing a doctor.” Going off Jim’s vague slurring, he was feeling no pain. 

“I told you, I’m trying to sleep. And stop drinking. You sound like you’ve had more than enough for the night. You’re gonna wish for death in the morning. I’ll be extra loud. And you’ll love me for it.” Leonard flopped an arm over his face. He wouldn't mind going out, actually. He wasn’t going to fall asleep anytime soon. It just wasn’t happening. There was a clatter and Leonard could hear Jim’s voice in the distance saying something. A quick shuffle and a new voice sounded in his ear.

“Leonard? It’s Uhura.” 

“Hey Ny. Where’d Jim go?” Leonard flopped onto his side as he grabbed for the view screen remote.

“He’s right here, the animal. But he’s very drunk and very obnoxious about it. Are you sure you don’t want to come out? I’m the only sober one. Come keep me company and babysit the lush with me.” He smiled at the warmth in her voice. She and Jim’s relationship was icy on the surface, but there was no mistaking the warm friendship at their cores. Despite acting like an ass at times, he still held her in intense regard. When others spoke ill of her, he was the first one leaping to her defense.

“Gimme some more of those peach scones you made last month and we’ve got a deal.” Leonard smiled at the memory. Almost as good as his mama’s, though he wasn’t about to tell Mrs. McCoy. 

“Just get your ass down here, McCoy.” There was a smile in her voice as she hung up on him. Rolling his eyes and getting out of bed, he dug through his closet to find appropriate clothes. Yanking on some jeans a half size too small and a thin Henley, he ran a hand through his hair and called it good. He wasn’t as worried about his appearance as Jim was, but he’d make the occasional effort to not look like an old man. At 29, he didn’t want to actually embarrass himself by trying to dress the same as Jim’s 23.

Heading down the sidewalk, Leonard always grinned and shook his head when he saw The Fly’s sign. Ziya Dufort, an old Starfleet retiree, had opened the place close to campus to attract all the cadets. He named it The Fly, so he could affectionately call his regulars barflies. The man had an overly amused cackle everytime he got to say it. 

The same cackle he heard as he shoved the door open and looked for Jim and Uhura. 

“Ah! I was just asking about where my grumpiest barfly was!” The cackle boomed again and Leonard rolled his eyes, trying to hide the affectionate smile tugging at his lips. 

“You love that nickname way too much, Ziya.” Leonard pulled a chair up next to Uhura at their table as Ziya set a pint of beer down in front of him. 

“Nah. I just love all my little cadets way too much. That’s my problem.” With a wink, he walked away to help someone at the end of the bar. 

“Glad you decided to come out tonight, Leonard. Jim is way too hyper for my sober self.” Uhura leaned in, settling a hand on Leonard’s arm. 

He smiled and took a drink. “Wouldn’t miss hanging out with you for the--” Leonard cut himself off as he caught sight of Jim. Jim in someone’s lap. Hungrily making out. Smile morphing into a scowl, he chugged a good portion of his beer and leaned back in his chair. 

Uhura pursed her lips and sighed. “He’s been doing that all night. Hopefully he’ll give it up once he notices you’re here and that karaoke is going to start here in a few minutes.”

Sure enough, Jim hopped off the guy’s lap a little later and onto the makeshift stage to announce the evening had just begun. He began with a rousing rendition of “Don’t Stop Believing”, accompanied by hoots and hollers from the crowd. He swayed his hips and hammed it up under the lights, only to belt out the final notes and settle back down into the guy’s lap. Leonard pretended not to notice the pitying glances a few cadets threw his way.

Uhura discreetly signaled Ziya for another round as Jim finally meandered over.

“Bones! You showed up! Did you hear me sing? I sang a song.” Jim beamed at Leonard and plopped gracelessly into a chair.

“Yeah, kid. I heard you sing. Offkey as always, I might add.” Leonard raised his glass in Jim’s direction and took a gulp. 

“Shut up, I was perfect. I’m a treasure. Besides, it’s your turn next. I put your name on the list, but you gotta pick your own song. Can’t always hold your hand!” With a wink and another grin, he was off. This time, his attentions had settled on a curvy little redhead and her friend. Leonard rolled his eyes when he heard Jim’s opening line. How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Hi, I’m Jim. The ladies’ giggles were just this side of grating. Soon someone was calling his name and he made his way to the stage. 

“What song, McCoy?” 

Leonard didn't hesitate before scrolling through a PADD and queueing a song up. The opening bars earned a few chuckles and soon Leonard’s rich southern drawl oozed out into the room. 

_You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht_  
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye  
Your scarf it was apricot  
You had one eye on the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte  
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner  
They'd be your partner, and… 

Leonard chanced looking at Jim, but the little redhead had him occupied. He dragged a light fingertip down her arm and leaned in close to whisper in her ear. Leonard looked away and finished his song.

He sat back down next to Uhura and tried to start a conversation about anything but the elephant in the room. They were in a cadet bar, so of course everyone there knew the grumpy doctor who was best friends with Jim Kirk. They also knew about his feelings for Jim. Everyone knew. Everyone but Jim, it seemed. Either the kid was hilariously blind to things or he was intentionally cruel. Leonard wasn’t sure which option was worse.

Jim took the stage again a few songs later. All swaying hips and twinkling eyes. He was a natural. As Leonard watched him dance and sing and grin along to “Wanted Dead Or Alive”, he scowled as his heart clenched. He needed to stop doing this to himself. Jim’s light shone on anyone and everyone, but Leonard had spent his life in the safety of the shadows. Where the light won’t reach. Making up his mind, he signed up for one last song and waited for his name to come up. The looks he kept giving Jim got Uhura to give up on trying to get any conversation out of him. 

After ordering another pint, he took a quick gulp for good luck. Just buzzed enough to know what he was doing but gone enough that he could actually do it. The perfect level of drunkenness. Hesitating for only a second when his name was called, he took a deep breath and stood. Uhura flashed him a worried, unamused look but ultimately let him go up on stage.

He leaned into the microphone and sweated under the stage lights. Softly singing his way through the first few lines, he hit his stride and put some power behind the chorus. 

_Soaked to the bone_  
And sink like a stone  
Walk home alone  
It's not the first time  
It's not the worst crime  
Your soul will be OK 

_And you've had enough_  
Searching for love  
And you miss the touch  
Of someone new 

His eyes slid closed as he pushed himself through. A pang of regret swept through his gut as he chastised himself for doing this in the first place. He chose this song to make a point to Jim, but he wasn’t even paying attention. Leonard huffed a laugh, or was it choking back a sob? He thought over the song choice and the fact that Jim had his tongue down some guy’s throat. He had the touch of every new person he met. Eyes blinking open, he sought out Uhura. He almost stopped when he caught the heartbroken and pitying look on her face. 

_Burned by your dreams_  
It's never how it seems  
Cold crushed esteem  
Take shelter and hide forever  
Your soul will be OK 

_And you've had enough_  
Searching for love  
And you miss the touch  
Of someone new 

Leonard would have sworn he felt the pieces of his broken heart fall to his feet. He could feel all those pitying and mournful faces see the shards. His only defense was to close his eyes against the lights and faces.

_And you've had enough_  
Searching for love  
And you miss the touch  
Of someone new 

_Soaked to the bone_  
Sink like a stone  
I will take you home  
It's not the first time  
It's not the worst crime  
Our souls will be OK 

Gently easing out the last couple lines, he was off the stage and out the front doors before he even realized he was moving. The cold air helped clear the buzzing in his head. A little. Leaning his forehead against the brick wall, he sighed and brought his fists up. Hoped the cold would seep into his core and freeze it all away. 

A gentle hand on his shoulder stilled him. “Leonard?” Uhura had apparently followed him outside. He should have expected it, what with going up on stage and singing the naked honest truth to a room full of his peers.

“What was I doing singin’ that song, Ny? Should have just gone with Bon Jovi or something. S’like I’m a teenage girl singin’ her feelings.” The words come out muffled, spoken more into the side of the building than to her. 

Uhura pulled him into a gentle hug. “What WAS that anyway? It had meaning.”

“I guess it was me saying goodbye to my feelings for Jim. To hoping for more. I can’t keep doing this to myself. It’s okay that nothing ever came from this though. I mean, it’s just nice to know I can still feel this way about someone. There’ll be others, there are always others.” He wrapped his arms back around her, holding her tightly and sighing.

Rubbing a gentle hand along his shoulders, Uhura leaned back to smile at him. “You deserve someone who sees the way you look at them, Leonard. You’re a wonderful man. Warm, caring, loyal. Someone is going to be very lucky to have you.” Leonard snorted in mild derision and rolled his eyes, but still gave her a good natured smile.

Jim chose that moment to burst through the front doors, flashing a happy grin when he saw Leonard and Uhura. “Heeey, there you are!” 

Leonard flashed Uhura a quick flash of panic. She gave him another quick hug and kissed his cheek before turning away. “Kirk.”

Jim gave a little wave as she went back inside, looking back at Leonard. “Whoa, getting all up close and personal with Uhura now, are we?” 

Leonard ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “I guess you could say that. I was having a moment, needed a friend, and she followed me outside after that last song.” 

Jim furrowed his brow and narrowed his eyes at Leonard. “You okay?” 

“Goodbye, Jim.” Leonard could only get his voice to work just above a whisper, but it was good enough. Hunching his shoulders against the night air, he started toward the dorm buildings in the distance. 

Jim stood still for a moment before catching up and grabbing his arm. “Whoa whoa what? Why do I feel like I’m getting dumped? That was not a ‘good bye I’m going back home’ goodbye. What’s going on?” 

Leonard yanked his arm free and scowled. “You can’t break up with someone you’re not with, Jim. I’m just going home. Do some homework before bed. See you later?” 

Jim grabbed him again, holding on despite Leonard trying to shake him free. He got Leonard’s back against a wall and took a half step closer to him, leaning his forehead against Leonard’s broad shoulder. “What about that last song? Kind of a downer for karaoke night, Bones. God, I wish I didn’t drink so much tonight. Give me a minute to sober up a little. Or let’s get coffee. Fuck, I can’t think through this fog. Why does it feel like you’re saying goodbye?” A passing car sent an angled slash of light across the shadows, illuminating the hard set of Leonard’s mouth.

Leonard closed his eyes, tilting his head back against the wall. Of course Jim would push this. The man was too drunk to fully know what was going on, but he knew there were buttons in the vicinity. The damn kid could never leave a button unpushed. “Really? You want to do this now, Jim? Fine. Everything always on your terms, right? You always drag me out to bar after bar after bar only to ignore me and go make out with everyone who’ll have. You ask me out tonight, again, only to ignore me, again. It’s your routine, and I don’t even know why I’m part of it. The entire goddamn campus knows that I’m in love with you. Everyone knows, except you. You haven’t noticed it the entire time, have you? And it’s okay. It really is. You don’t have to reciprocate just because I have feelings for you. I never expected you to. I did, however, expect you to respect those feelings and to respect me enough to not treat me like this. So, in a way, I am saying goodbye. But not to you. I’m saying goodbye to a metaphorical us. To the us I wish we could have been. I just need a little space to start sorting through all this shit and to move on. It’ll be okay, and you’re still my best friend. I’ll see you at home.”

With that, Leonard turned and walked away with firm, even footsteps. The urge to turn back around was almost overwhelming, but the fear of what he’d see on Jim’s face was stronger. He kept his back turned as he put more and more distance between them. Eventually he got back to their dorm, and he stopped as he tugged his boots off. The whole place filled with a life shared with Jim. What was he thinking? Telling Jim his feelings. Fuck, the kid must be confused at best and amused at worst. Maybe laughing it up with some of the others about the grumpy old doctor who thought… what? Thought he stood a chance? Leonard had never expected anything to happen. He knew he didn’t stand a chance with Jim, and he never expected anything to come from this crush. Nothing but the clench in his chest and the bottom dropping out of his stomach when he realized it was more than just a crush.

With something akin to fear, he took in all the little details of his friendship with Jim and what living with him entailed. Jim’s scrawled notes by the door, reminding Leonard about some upcoming test dates. Their toothbrushes in the bathroom, Leonard’s forever resting against Jim’s (much to Jim’s chagrin). Boots mixed together by the door in an ungainly heap. It’s everything Leonard wanted with Jim, yet not nearly enough. And now he’d ruined it by talking about feelings.

Joce was wrong, when she called him a cold unfeeling bastard during their divorce. His problem wasn’t that he didn’t feel enough-- his problem was he felt too much. He felt everything so sharply and threw his whole being into it. Fuck it. M’Benga had been talking about needing a new roommate. He’d start packing, comm him, and see if he was awake and still needed one. He needed space from Jim. Just a little space to start letting go of his feelings for Jim and they’d be fine. Everything would be okay. 

Grabbing his duffel bag, he shoved clothes into it while tucking his comm against his ear. No answer. He was about to leave a message, or comm the clinic to see if M’Benga was there when the door slid open. Jim, and his impressively swollen black eye, stood stiffly in the doorway and barely glanced up when he saw Leonard. Leonard took one look at him and dropped his comm, rushing over to Jim. 

“What the hell happened? I haven’t been gone that long, and you’re already gettin’ yourself into trouble.” Leonard gently probed at Jim’s eye, scowling as Jim finally glanced up.

“Uhura told me I’m a blind asshole. Got all up in my face for being horrible to you and when I turned to walk away from her, I tripped and fell flat on my face on the sidewalk. I bled. She laughed. Then took care of me and helped me get home.” He looked down again, his eyelashes fanning across his cheeks. He noticed the bag on Leonard’s bed, the closet door flung open, and boxes pulled out. He stiffened and stepped back from Leonard. “Why are you packing? You said you weren’t going anywhere. You told me it would be okay, Bones.” He struggled to keep his breathing even. Leonard said something as he walked back to his bed, but Jim’s heart was pounding too heart. He couldn’t hear him over the rush.

“... Are you even listening, Jim? I’m not going away forever, okay? I told you, I just need some space. Just a little distance to start getting over you. I can’t keep doing this to myself, you know? Living here with you? I have you in every way except for the one I want most. You’re still my best friend, that’s not changing.” Leonard shrugged and gave a self-deprecating smile.

Jim rushed forward and crushed himself to Leonard’s back. “No. Please don’t leave me too. You were the first person who ever stayed. Please, please don’t leave. I’ll be good. I’ll do whatever you need. Anything. Please. I love you. I love you, Bones. Don’t leave, I love you.” 

Leonard eased around and pulled Jim’s arms off him, holding onto his shoulders. “Jesus, Jim. What’s going on? I’m just moving in with a guy from the clinic. You have to let me do this. I love you too. I mean, feelings aside. You’re my best friend and I love you. Everything’ll be okay, I promise. Just calm down. You’re scarin’ me.” 

Jim pulled away, took a deep breath and met Leonard’s eyes. “That’s the thing. I do love you the way you love me. I do. I just… Fuck, why would you ever want me? I’m just some punk-ass delinquent from Iowa. You’re a fucking doctor. You’re a surgeon. You save lives. I never thought you’d consider me an option, so I never thought about it. I just went along with anyone else who wanted me. It helped me forget where I actually wanted to be. Please tell me I didn’t ruin things. I promise you, Bones. Give me a chance. Just one chance to prove this to you.” 

Leonard shook his head and smiled sadly. “We’re adults now, Jim. You have to learn to talk about the things that are important to you. I want to give us a chance. I really do. But we gotta hash some shit out first.” 

“Of course. Yeah, yeah. What do.. what are…” Jim trailed off, and Leonard took pity on him.

“If we’re gonna do this, I just want to be on the same page as you. We can’t be afraid to tell each other the important stuff. Imagine where we could be right now if we’d just gotten over ourselves and the whole ‘why would he want me’ thing? If either of us had just come clean sooner… But also, this can’t just be casual, Jim. I’ve seen you in serious relationships before, but I’ve also seen you in some pretty loose ones. I play for keeps. It’s just you and me if we’re doing this at all. I don’t share. I want to build a life. I want a home and a life. Always saw myself settling down in Georgia with a white picket fence and my horses. Maybe even the 2.5 kids. Who knows.” Leonard had guided them slowly over to the couch, seating them as he turned sideways to speak to Jim. Jim who was nodding with enthusiasm.

“Yes. God, yes, Bones. All of it. I don’t want to share you. If you’re mine, I’m yours, and I take that seriously. There’s no one but you. No one but you and your…” He stopped, swallowed back a sob, and wiped at his eyes. Laughing softly at himself, he smiled at Leonard.

“Oh, darlin’. What’s going on?” Leonard swiped his thumbs across Jim’s cheek to catch a tear. 

“You and your white picket fence. I’ve never had that. I mean, I bounced from place to place when I was a kid because Starfleet shuffled Mom around a lot. And even then, we were usually on starbases and shit. Ships don’t have fences. I know you have a big family back in Georgia. Hell, I think I talk to your mom more than you do. Which she makes sure to point out, by the way. I think… I think we’ve always been in a relationship, we just didn’t realize it. God. You, Mom, and Sam are my only family. Please let me keep this, Leonard...” Jim threw himself into Leonard’s arms and clung tightly.

Leonard oomphed as he caught Jim, leaning back to accommodate him. Keeping one arm wrapped securely around Jim’s waist, he ran the other hand gently up and down his back. “Jim. Darlin. C’mere.” He tilted Jim’s chin up and searched his eyes before leaning in and kissing him gently. So gently. The barest whisper of warmth, but so full of love and care. Jim made a sound, deep in his throat, and leaned in to deepen the kiss. He climbed onto Leonard, settling a knee on either side of his hips as he straddled his lap. Leonard nipped at his lower lip before moving across his jaw and down his neck. Tasting, nibbling softly, turning Jim’s heart into a frantic drum beat. A groan escaped Jim's throat as he ground his hips against Leonard and felt his answering hardness.

“Jim. Jim, slow down. I got ya. I’m not goin’ anywhere. Shhh..” Leonard murmured against Jim’s throat, a nip of teeth and a soothing tongue. He settled his hands on Jim’s hips and eased him off. 

Jim sprawled back on the couch, pupils blown wide as he watched Leonard. “I want to make you mine, Bones. I want to be yours. Please.” 

Leonard dragged Jim’s legs into his lap, settling a warm hand on his knee. “You have me, Jim. I’ve been yours for a long time now so there’s no need to rush this now. I love you. I’m staying.” 

Jim’s face softened and he relaxed back into the couch, staring right into Leonard’s eyes and smiling. “I love you.”

“I love you.”


End file.
